Severance, Open Relationships, and Skincare

Thinking about quitting vaping but scared given the state of the world? Feeling unmotivated at work? Not sure if you should dump your boyfriend? Lucky for you, Steven is here to help. Every week our brand account manager/in-house movie expert/life-advice columnist will answer anonymous questions from shelf users right here in “Dear Steven!” Buckle in folks…this one’s gonna be fun.

Oh babe… DUMP. HIS. ASS. 🚮

Like, he really woke up today and said, “How can I fumble the best thing that ever happened to me?” And his brain went: OPEN RELATIONSHIP. Be so serious. Translation? He wants all the benefits of dating you while also running around like a stray dog. No thank you. He doesn’t want an open relationship—he wants a hall pass with emotional security attached. Go get you a man who thinks being with just you is the ultimate prize. ‘Cause this one? He just told you he’s looking for the door. Hand it to him.

Oh, babe. I have too many. However, this is my running theory:

The severance procedure isn’t just about work-life balance—it’s a blueprint for the future of labor. Lumon isn’t running an office, they’re running a factory for the ideal, obedient worker, stripped of rights, free will, and resistance.

Severance ensures that a person’s entire existence belongs to the company during work hours. The innie has no legal rights, no ability to unionize, no concept of a life beyond their cubicle. They’re trapped in an eternal loop of labor, waking up every day with no memory of rest, relaxation, or personal identity. I truly think they want corporate slaves.

Ohhh, welcome to the skincare cult, bestie. Your wallet may never recover, but your skin? Flawless.

Here’s your starter pack for skin like mine (bc its perfect)

Moisturizer: Prequel Barrier Therapy Moisturizer 

This girl is THAT girl. Hydrating but not greasy, packed with skin loving ingredients.

Exfoliant/Toner: Paula’s Choice 2% BHA Liquid Exfoliant 

Your pores? Shrinking. Your blackheads? Evaporating. This is the OG glow booster. Use it 2-3x a week at first to avoid turning into a shedding lizard.

Cleanser: Youth to the People Superfood Cleanser 

MY HOLY GRAIL!! Smells like a green juice but actually works. Gentle, non-stripping, and perfect for washing away the sins of the day (and your SPF).

Optional: Tretinoin (Prescription) 

The final boss of skincare. Wrinkles? Denied. Acne? Evicted. Texture? Never heard of her. Start slow (2x a week) and moisturize like your life depends on it. I wake up sometimes and my skin looks like the desert floor.